I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
