Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
Randomize
