Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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