my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
