Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
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