I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Randomize
