How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
