dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
