hell yes lets make some ravioli
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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