I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
