I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
