Define "chronic" masturbator.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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