haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
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