I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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