she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
