he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Randomize