She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
