He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
