Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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