just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
It's never too late to be topless.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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