Denial is the first step to alcoholism…and I don't hate it
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
Randomize
