yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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