My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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