My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
