u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
Randomize
