You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
