Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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