shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
