Michael Bay diarrhea
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
