you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize
