Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
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