He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
