just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
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