How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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