When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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