We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
