I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Randomize
