The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
