Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
