i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
