You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
