but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
