no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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