I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Randomize
