i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
