his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
