there's paper in my vomit.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
