I feel great
I just peed on a car
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize