i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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