I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?
In some strange universe, yes
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
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