Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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