you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
