i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Randomize
