i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
