well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
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