what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
