Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
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