The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
