One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
Randomize
