she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
