I could make wine with my vomit
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
