a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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